You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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