Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
