We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
