that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
