The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
