things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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