Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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