I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
