the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
