I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I understand Curling. That high.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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