Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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