2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
