if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
