dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
