Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
