My Higher Power is John Stamos
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Two words: blizzard sex
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
