im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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