Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
