you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
