Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
