I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i was born a porn star she said
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
