I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize