it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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