Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
