remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
