420 ftw
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
