I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
