her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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