My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
