I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
