We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sorry about my life...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
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