Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
