Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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