Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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