I don't usually arrange sex via text message
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
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