There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Bring me that man meat
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
