Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
