I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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