a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize