so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you had me at cake vodka
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
