i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
