I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
