He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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