You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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