Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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