i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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