worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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