Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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