I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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