You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
