a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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