forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
