We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
