Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
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