ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
