He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
