you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
