Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
